You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
