well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
