Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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