Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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