just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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