My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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