I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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