She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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