I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
