Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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