I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
