I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
