I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
