Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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