Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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