I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
