I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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