I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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