I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
