sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
