Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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