just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
