Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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