I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I cut my penus on the lid.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
