Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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