I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
