I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
