dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
