When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
