happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
