I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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