i don't like sucking hair
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
