you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
