you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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