I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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