I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
