and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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