My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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