it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize