I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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