She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
