Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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