i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
