He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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