i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
last night I used snow as a chaser
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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