in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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