he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
