I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
