yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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