She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
