I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
