one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
