Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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