I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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