Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
