No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
