I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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