Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
