So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
COCAINE IS GR8
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
