I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
