peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
