Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
